


You Deserve To Be Loved

by TinaTheLesbean



Category: The X-Files
Genre: A bit of Msr, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer Arc, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Scully Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28535046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinaTheLesbean/pseuds/TinaTheLesbean
Summary: Having battled her cancer and being reminded of her sister's death, Scully is left feeling like a shell of the person she used to be.Some hurtful comments from Bill make matters worse and it all comes crashing down.Attempting to hide her struggles from Mulder, he quickly notices and desperately tries to break through to her and convince her to accept his help.TW for graphic depiction of self-harm in the first chapter
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 25
Kudos: 127





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write this fic after watching the scene that was cut in season 4's Memento Mori, where Bill voices his displeasure to Scully about her career choices and all of that and indirectly blames her for Melissa's death. So this story basically explores how Scully could have dealt with that confrontation (very badly). 
> 
> In case you haven't read through the tags, this story is going to cover self-harm, so please be warned.  
> Also, I can only write from my history dealing with it, so someone else might have had a different experience with it.
> 
> **OVERALL TW FOR A QUITE GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF SELF-HARM IN THIS CHAPTER. I'M GOING TO WRITE A SHORT SUMMARY DOWN BELOW IF YOU'D RATHER SKIP THIS PART.
> 
> PS this is my first fanfic and I'd highly appreciate a comment down below - even if it's only to say hi :)

_„It's all your fault.”_

She stood in front of the bathroom mirror and grasped the sink with a shaky grip.

It had been a couple of days since her visit to the hospital where she had undergone treatment for her cancer. Bill's cruel voice in her head made her stomach twist in pain. He had visited her in the hospital weeks before, but just now did those hurtful words seem to fully sink in.

Not much of a surprise, since she seemed to deal with all her problems that way - bury them deep inside and don't let anyone in. But nothing could have prepared her for when those walls came crumbling down.

_“How can you even sleep at night, knowing how much pain you are causing this family?”_

When Bill had come to her, she had expected that he would visit her out of respect, as anyone would if they had found out that their sister was dying of cancer.  
But that hope had been crushed when he had only tormented her by accusing her of all the things that had happened. She had taken it all in, perhaps too shocked, but probably too weak, considering the exhausting treatments she was going through.

She had been attacked by him at her most vulnerable.

_“Has it ever occurred to you how much mom is suffering right now? She barely gets to see you, only when you're injured in the hospital or dying. But while you're searching for aliens with that spooky son of a bitch Mulder, she's worried sick for you."_

She broke away from the mirror, not bearing to confront her sickly looking and tear-streamed face and let out a silent but gut-wrenching cry. Hugging herself she noticed only now that she had been digging her nails painfully into her forearm, almost to the point of bleeding.

_You deserved that_ , she thought numbly and her breathing hitched.

_"She has already lost a daughter because of you.”_

She didn't even notice herself rummaging around in the bathroom cabinet until she came up with a box of razor blades, her hands shaking so much that she dropped them. In a white, hot panic she fell to the cold tile floor and took one of the shining blades into her trembling fingers. _“_

_Melissa was killed because of you - because of the career you chose to pursue. You had a choice - now see where it has brought you.”_

As the blade seared across the soft skin of her thighs, the loud and accusing voices were quieter for a moment. Her mind captured by the little droplets of blood forming along the cut.

_You deserve that_ , she thought and went at it again, this time making deeper and angrier strokes.

_“How can you think that dad would be proud of you? You have done nothing but ruined this family.”_

Cut after cut appeared on her now bloodstained thighs, feeding into the anger and hatred she felt towards herself. It was soothing in a way, letting her bottled-up emotions spill out and her mind being occupied by the pain. When she let the blade fall to the tile floor, a calming sense of bliss filled her mind, the riveting thoughts gone for just a moment.

As a doctor, she knew that this was the adrenaline her brain was dispensing. That welcoming daze would be short-lived though. Just like drugs, that short feeling of relief would wash away.

Still, she couldn't help herself as a gut-wrenching feeling of guilt swept over her as she observed her severely bloodstained thighs.

_“It's all your fault.”_

  
***

  
Scully woke up the next morning with a sore neck and a throbbing headache.

Struggling to open her puffy eyes, she took in her surroundings in a confused daze. The bathroom light was still on from the night before, yet the room was bright with mid-morning light streaming in from her adjacent bedroom window.

She lifted herself off the floor where she had lain in an uncomfortable position, leaning against the tub.

An immediate wave of shame washed over her as the memories of the night before resurfaced. How had she let herself lose control so completely? Never before had she even considered cutting herself in that way.

But what scared her most was not the memory of the pain she had but also of the immense relief and calm she had felt afterward, the exact opposite of what she was feeling at this moment.

_You deserved it all,_ she heard the voice linger in her mind and she felt a shiver run down her spine.

Her fingers were still sticky from the dried blood and she reminded herself that she would have to clean the floor tiles as well later. Now her biggest concern was her still uncleaned cuts.  
After she meticulously scrubbed off the blood under her fingernails in the sink, she looked for some antiseptic to clean the cuts with. Her head still felt groggy and a feeling of light-headedness came upon her as she attended to the wounds on her thighs.

Had she fallen asleep while she had cut herself last night? Perhaps even passed out? As a doctor, she knew that was a bad sign. But she doubted that it was because of the blood loss but more out of pure exhaustion.

All of a sudden reality kicked in and she was reminded of the fact that it was Monday and that she should be on her way to work right now. The surge of panic resurfaced and she stumbled into the bedroom to put on new clothes.

_It's the first day back at work and you already don't have your shit together_ , she heard that same nagging voice inside her head as she quickly put on some makeup. If she had more time then she would have been able to conceal the dark circles under her eyes better, but she was already late for work and some hastily applied foundation had to do.

_Why even bother coming to work when you look that disgusting? Don't let Mulder see you like this. You don't deserve his compassion._

Her face crumpled at this and she struggled to keep the tears at bay. After a few deep breaths, she managed to get her things together and left the apartment with her hands clutching desperately to her bag.

She had to go to work.

After everything she had ruined she just couldn't let Mulder down too.

_No, not him._

***

SHORT SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER (this will probably be the only one I'll need to do this for):

Scully is thinking back at the words that Bill said to her in hospital, blaming her for their family's pain and overall bullying her (big surprise..). Overwhelmed by her emotions/destructive thoughts she resorts to hurting herself.  
The next morning she wakes up late for work, barely tends to her wounds, and hastily throws on some clothes as to not let Mulder down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the office, Mulder starts noticing that somethings seems off about Scully.

When she entered their basement office sometime later, Mulder looked up from his desk in surprise.

"I thought you wouldn't come. I wanted to phone you just now to see if you're alright."

As he took in her appearance more clearly, he couldn't help but notice the dark circles under her eyes and her unkempt, flattened hair.

"Mulder, I just overslept, that's all. The meds make me tired all the time", she said defensively.

He instantly picked up on her avoidant behaviour and began to worry. She hadn't even met his eyes when coming in, keeping them downcast to the palms of her hands.

"Doesn't look like you slept at all", he admitted, and, in a softer voice, "Scully, is everything alright?"

"I'm fine, Mulder", she blurted out and pretended to look through some files on her desk.

Mulder had heard that phrase too many times to know that she was hiding something from him. Still, he chose not to question her any further. It was after all her first day back at work after being in hospital for so long. Her cancer had been hard on both of them, and he had promised himself to be by her side, fighting this disease together and being there for her along the way.

But he knew that with Scully and her independence and strength, he had to make sure that she didn't feel like he was constricting her. He just hoped that she trusted him enough to let him in and tell him if she wasn't feeling alright.

Scully sat down behind her desk and instantly felt the fabric of her teal pantsuit scrape and rub against the fresh cuts on her thighs.

She mentally cursed herself for having forgotten to put on tights under her pantsuit when she was rushing to get ready that morning. The cuts hurt more than they did before and she regretted that she hadn't had the time to properly dress the wounds. They stung like crazy but she refrained from scratching them because she knew that she couldn't risk tearing them open and bleeding through the fabric.

She looked at the files in front of her and read through them, the words not actually reaching her. An exhausted breath escaped her lips as she stole a glance over to her partner.

She really did hope that he hadn't noticed her dishevelled appearance, for him having to worry about her was the last thing she wanted at that moment. In a way, she hated his knack for being able to pick up any sign of distress she was having, even though she knew that he only meant well.

_He doesn't actually care for you - he pities you_.

A wave of shame washed over her as she heard the same nagging voice from last night come back.

_No. Not here. Not now_.

Scully grasped the inside of her forearm and began digging her nails painfully into the tender skin – a feeble attempt at trying to calm herself.

_“It's all your fault.”_ , she heard Bill's voice again and inadvertently jumped up from her chair and let go of her throbbing hand.

Mulder instantly shot a worried look at her and picked up on her distressed behaviour. He noticed the red blotches on her forearm, where her nails had just dug in with a deathly grip.

He recognized this coping mechanism of her instantly. It wasn't the first time he had seen her do this when she felt anxious or unnerved.

Scully felt her cheeks redden with embarrassment as she stood there sheepishly, trying to find an excuse for having risen from her table. She quickly picked up a random file and went over to Mulder's desk.

"You should uhm...take a look at that."

As she moved in front of his desk, her thigh caught on its sharp corner and she felt an instant burning flare of white-hot pain shoot through her body. It had jabbed right into one of the deep cuts from last night.

Her knees immediately buckled and her head spun out. She leaned heavily on his desk with both hands and bowed her head down, closing her eyes. Wincing against the pain while fighting for consciousness.

Mulder was saying something but his words seemed faint and didn't quite reach her, as if there was a thick cloud separating them.

Scully barely noticed him helping her sit down in his chair, kneeling beside her. She immediately put her head between her knees and remained in that position until the wave of dizziness had subsided.

"Must be my blood sugar", she murmured truthfully and couldn't remember when she had last eaten anything. So, considering that she had been taking her meds on an empty stomach for the last twelve hours, it was no surprise that she felt even worse with all that had happened last night.

"Do you want me to get you something to eat?", he asked and watched her carefully.

When she looked up, he added: "Unless of course, you'd like to snack on a bag of sunflower seeds."

He saw a faint smile flit across her face which instantly lit up his mood again. That was until his eyes spotted something else.

"Scully, you're bleeding!", he blurted out, concern written across his face.

Her eyes quickly followed his gaze and she froze at the sight of a long red stain on her upper thigh, painfully visible against the teal fabric of her pantsuit.

"Must have run into one of the corners", she tried to laugh it off and divert his attention elsewhere.

She was about to get up from the chair again, but he slightly pushed her back and kneeled next to her.

"Let me take a look at that", he offered and she felt a wave of panic rise up in her when she realized that he would have to look at her cuts to do that.

"No!", she exclaimed, louder than she had wanted and pushed his hand away in embarrassment.

Determined, she stood up, holding on to the back of the chair to avoid her knees buckling.

"It's nothing. Remember, I'm the one who's a doctor."

Mulder stood up as well, cocking an eyebrow in her direction: "Well, you might not know this yet, but as your partner, I'm also responsible for your wellbeing."

A grin appeared on his face: "And to be honest, I'm quite concerned that you've even managed to injure yourself in our office. If we keep this up, Scully, how are you supposed to save my ass when we're chasing our next shapeshifting alien hybrid?"

A smile escaped her lips and she averted her gaze. She couldn't help but feel misplaced in a way like she didn't deserve to have a fun conversation with her partner.

"So, do coffee and croissants sound good to you?", he asked from across the room, coat already in one hand.

"You don't really have to-", she began in a reasonable tone, but he was already out the door.

"Five minutes!"

As soon as she heard his fading steps, her shoulders slumped and she let out an exhausted breath. Part of her wanted to join Mulder out for breakfast, but then she had to admit to herself that she probably wouldn't have been a great company to begin with.

_You've tricked him into doing all this for you._

She froze as she felt her chest tighten up again with guilt.

_You don't deserve someone that nice and caring. He pities you. That's all._

She walked around the room restlessly, hugging herself tightly. By the throbbing sensation on her thighs, she could tell that the cuts were bleeding again. Not the comforting pain she had felt last night, just uncomfortable annoyance. _God, how good - how relieving - it had felt_.

_You won't be here any longer anyway. Soon, he'll request a transfer and he'll work with someone more competent. Someone who doesn't fuck everything up._

_No. No. No._

She was feeling the familiar sense of claustrophobia creeping in.

_No. Not here. Not now_.

_Who'd want to work with a partner dying of cancer anyway?_

She needed some fresh air. Suddenly she felt hot all over, her cheeks practically burning and her chest tightening.

_No air. Need to get out._

_Now._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully is trying to fend off intrusive thoughts. 
> 
> **slight TW for selfharm-ish behavior just to be sure**

She stumbled for the door, up the stairs, and almost crashed into the door leading to the restrooms.

Gasping for air, she leaned over the sink and splashed her burning face with cold water. Her hands were trembling and the icy water only made her dizziness come back.

The rational part of her brain told her that she needed to steady herself, sit down if she didn't want to pass out completely. So she locked herself into one of the bathroom stalls and sat on the seat in silence - only soft whimpers emanating every few moments from behind the closed door.

She used the newfound privacy she had to examine the cuts on her thighs, which were starting to bleed profusely through the fabric of her pantsuit again.

 _Why did I choose teal ones today anyway? A simple black fabric wouldn't have shown any of the stains._ She would have to buy new ones, she was sure of it.

A silent gasp escaped her lips as she saw the damage.

Having left the cuts untreated and running around had made almost all of them bleed again, some more than others. Even so, the sheer amount of blood almost ten hours after the cutting was concerning. Although she didn't think she would need them stitched up, there was a high chance of them getting infected if she didn't get them checked out soon.

Scully closed her eyes as the agonizing cruelty of her situation dawned on her.

 _Pull yourself together! No one can find out about this. You’re_ _a professional_ _, for God's sake_.

Leaving work early to get the cuts cleaned up would be too suspicious. She was alone in this. Sitting in the small bathroom stall in silence, those words felt heavier than ever.

Alone. Hid away.

She had never felt so small before.

So weak.

_What do you think you're doing? Crying like the whiny girl you are in the bathroom?_

She tried to breathe but was only met by resistance, choking back the tears. The words in her head stung more than the cuts had.

_You're pathetic. You don't deserve anything else._

Her fingers felt numb as they went berserk on her thighs and raked across the cuts. They immediately bled open again, but that didn't stop her vicious scratching. She needed to feel that comforting pain again. Some kind of release. Just something.

But the relieving surge of adrenaline was short-lived, as the rational part of her brain caught up with what she was doing and made her immediately refrain and stare back at the newly bleeding cuts in terror.

She was faintly reminded of something she had been taught in med-school: the addict will chase the initial high, however without ever succeeding.

Yet she didn't have much time to ponder on this thought, as something else caught her attention: The blood. Lots of it.

Had she been in a different state of mind, she would have been concerned by the dangerous amount of it. But she just froze in morbid curiosity at what her innocent fingernails had done.

As she heard faint approaching footsteps from outside on the hall, she sucked in her breath. Hoped that the steps would just walk on by the restrooms.

But they didn't.

"Scully, you in there?"

She felt her heart sink at the sound of his familiar voice.

_Fuck. He can't see me like this._

At first, she thought that he would just walk on by if she didn't make a sound, but part of her already knew better: Ultimately, he would see that someone was behind that locked bathroom stall. And if she didn't answer, he would assume that she was passed out or something and break the lock to go check on her.

There was no easy way out. Especially considering that her thighs were covered in blood and her face a crying mess. She tested her voice and tried to sound as calm as possible.

"Yeah, just...just give me a minute. I'll be right on up."

In her head, she was already planning on just leaving the office and going home for the rest of the day. Yes, it would be unfair towards Mulder to just disappear without a reason but she couldn't think of anything else that she could possibly do.

As she sat there thinking, she noticed that everything was silent around her again.

_Has he left? Now's your chance._

Hissing quietly, she pulled up her pants and quickly wiped away the tears, not caring that her makeup would be smudged.

Scully unlocked the door and scurried out, feeling energized by the idea that she might actually get away with Mulder not finding out about all this. She reached the sink to wash off some of the blood under her fingernails.

As she looked up and into the mirror, her heart sank as she saw him standing there behind her.

That was when she knew that she had fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit shorter, but the next chapter is going to be a big one (and quite intense, oh boy...).
> 
> As always - thanks for reading until this far :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things turn ugly when Mulder confronts Scully in the basement restroom, forcing her to face the reality of the situation.

"Jesus, Scully. It's just me", he laughed as he saw her startled face in the mirror.

For once she was glad that the restroom mirrors were always quite dirty; that meant he hadn't really seen her face yet. She could only imagine how terrible she must be looking.

Turning off the tap, she looked for a paper towel to dry her hands off with but came to the conclusion that the stacks were all empty.

"Here", Mulder proposed, "wipe your hands off on my jacket."

She did so awkwardly, keeping her head low to avoid him looking at her face.

"We wouldn't want to ruin your impeccable pantsuit now, would we?", he added and grinned, happy that she felt comfortable around him.

That was when she heard him take in a surprised breath. She followed his gaze down to her pants. Small specks of blood had seeped through the teal fabric.

"What the hell...", his voice trailed off.

Scully felt a new wave of guilt wash over her. This time, it was accompanied with some embarrassment.

"That corner hurt you that badly?", he forced a chuckle.

Scully knew how ridiculous that sounded. He wasn't stupid, he would surely pick up that those bloodstains didn't come from bumping into a desk corner.

 _You need to get out of there. Now_.

"So you got the breakfast you wanted to get us?", she tried to change the subject. "I could really use coffee right now."

She was pleased that the sound of her voice was as calm and steady as usual.

When she tried to move past him out the door, he blocked her way and simply stood there. His silence was unnerving her.

"Mulder, could we please leave the ladies' restroom? We can't let the others assume anything now, can we?", she jokingly said while trying to keep her nervousness at bay.

The pitch of her voice was slowly getting higher.

"We have an office, you know."

She was avoiding his gaze, speaking merely to his chest. Her only wish was that he would just stop staring at the bloodstains on her pants.

"Hey, look at me", he said softly.

She only met his searching eyes briefly, but the concern was written in his face.

"You look horrible", he plainly admitted.

Scully snorted out and hissed:

"Well thank you, Mulder. That's what happens when you oversleep and don't have enough time to do your makeup correctly."

_You're still in control. You just need to leave before he asks any other questions._

She spoke up, this time louder and more determined:

"Could you move now, please?"

She took an angry step forward to emphasize her point. Instead, Mulder reached out to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"You sure that you're ok? You-;"

"Dammit Mulder, I'm fine!", she interrupted him and yanked off his hand.

His face crumbled.

"Well at least let me take you to someone who can check out whatever happened to your thighs. Please let me help you."

Colour was starting to flood her face, anger steadily rising.

She couldn't risk breaking down in front of him. Nothing would be more degrading.

"I don't need your help! It's just a scratch."

He was slowly taking steps towards her, which made her retreat further into the room.

"More like scratches. A dozen probably. On both of your thighs", he stated the obvious, making her words sound ridiculous.

She was searching for words to defend herself with but couldn't muster up anything palpable. Instead, she resorted back to anger, which made her retrieve at least some of the control she had lost.

"You know what - damn you, Mulder! I'm a grown woman, I can fucking take care of myself."

His face showed not only hurt but also surprise; Scully rarely swore at all - a sign that this was really getting on her nerves.

Part of her had instantly felt bad after saying those words to him in that tone. But somehow, she felt calmed by that fact.

_He hates you. Good._

Honestly, she was surprised that he was even putting up with her rude behaviour; she had expected him to angrily walk away minutes ago. Instead, he said something that made her instantly freeze.

"Scully, come on...just let me take a quick look at it."

As he sensed her panic, he added reassuringly:

"I just wanna see that it's not anything serious."

She felt her heartbeat pick up and the colour vanish from her face. The claustrophobia was starting to kick in again and she knew that she had to get away from this confrontation immediately.

Breaking from her frozen state, she shot past Mulder. She was already at the door when she felt a strong grip on her wrist forcing her back into the room.

Letting out a gasp, she tried to wrench herself out of his grasp, but he had already captured her other wrist. Struggling against him seemed almost ridiculous. Even if she weren't as weak from cancer as she was now, he would have overpowered her easily, considering his size.

She flinched as he pushed her against the wall, looming over her with an intense expression on his face. From this distance, she could feel his hot breath on her face.

She waited for the initial wave of panic to subside before she could hold his gaze. Hoping that he didn't notice her trembling.

"So what are you going to do?", she breathed with a slight quiver, "r-rip my clothes off?"

She was hoping that this would bring him back to reality.

Or at least make him question why he was pinning her against the wall of the basement restroom in the first place.

Judging how he was loosening his grip on her wrists and the pained expression on his face, she could tell that she had gotten through to him. She let out a shaky breath.

"Actually", he said, "I'd rather prefer you'd show me yourself."

Scully felt the urge to simply say no and make a snippy remark, but the way he said it made it clear that she couldn't just back out of this.

It was a threat.

_He is going to judge you - he's going to know. He'll tell Skinner and you'll be assessed as unfit for working. Even if you'll get to work again eventually, the others won't ever look at you the same._

She gulped at that, but held her head high:

"Fine. If you insist", she said, but it sounded more like a "fuck you".

She was trying not to let this loss of control get to her. The only true control she did have over the situation was how she would handle it.

And distancing herself from her own struggles and masking her feelings was frankly something that Dana Scully was incredibly good at.

Skilfully turning her fear into anger.

Defiantly, she pulled her wrists out of his loose grasp. She wished desperately that her damn hands would stop shaking, as she slowly unbuckled her belt.

Her eyes never left his. Quiet determination written on her face.

 _This is it. This is going to ruin your friendship_.

She was not going to crumble in front of him. Unbuttoning her pantsuit, she let the teal fabric gradually puddle at her knees.

 _If you hadn't been so stupid as to tear them open again, they might have scabbed over already_ , she scolded herself. The red cuts did indeed look quite harsh against her pale thighs.

The gasp he immediately let out upon seeing them made a shiver run down her spine, accompanied with shame. She felt bare and defenceless standing there, his terrified stares more hurtful than anything else.

Mulder took a staggering step backwards, which made a crippling feeling of rejection surge through her.

"Scully...", he merely uttered, still staring at the cuts.

She clenched her jaw anxiously and hurried to pull her pants back up again. She was hating every second of this and she desperately wanted to hide and never see anyone else again.

A surge of anger rose in her again.

_Who was he to make her expose something so private to him?_

Mulder caught her off guard and took her hands in his to stop her from pulling the pants back up again fully. His voice rose, from both shock and confusion:

"You're hurting yourself! Scully, you're-;"

This gave her the rest.

Triggered by him acknowledging the obvious, she wrenched a hand from his grip and connected it rather sharply with his jaw.

Stunned and bewildered at what she'd done, she watched him touch his face and felt her heart ache at the same time.

Still, her anger remained.

"It's not self-harm!", she hissed through her teeth and straightened herself up.

At her movement, he instinctively backed away, expecting a second blow. Slightly pleased by this, she quickly pulled her pants back up - some security coming back to her.

"It's stupid, really", she murmured with a forced chuckle, scared that he might detect the lie, "I shouldn’t have drunk that much yesterday. I don't even remember half of it."

"I've never seen you drink."

She shot him an angry glare.

"I wasn't myself. The meds have been really messing with my head lately."

She fastened the belt and fixed her hair, which had been dishevelled by their fight.

Mulder was searching for words before he approached her again. A worrisome look on his face.

"Look Scully, I understand that we all have done impulsive things...when drunk. But are you sure there's nothing you want to talk about?"

She was staring daggers at him.

"Actually, I think that I don't owe you an explanation at all. This is none of your business."

She could sense that he was hurt by that, but she didn't budge and stood there defiantly with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"Please...you know that you can talk to me", his voice was quivering, "I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to just ignore the obvious if someone I care about is self-harming. Let me help you."

She jumped at the mention of that word.

"I don't need someone to lecture me on my life choices!", she almost screamed to prove her point.

That was when she heard quick steps behind her on the hall approaching.

Both of them turned their heads in confusion as Skinner's secretary, Arlene, appeared in the door.

Scully felt her stomach plummet.

Some of that anger she had just now was slowly slipping away again, shame taking its place.

Arlene looked between the two of them, clearly taking in their heavy breathing and anxious body language.

"I was trying to get a hold of you but you weren't in your office so I went looking", she said slowly, not sure what she had walked in on, "when I heard someone shouting down in the restrooms."

The both of them just stood there blankly, catching their breaths.

Mulder was clamping and unclamping his fists anxiously. He shot a quick glance at Scully, but she seemed to have frozen. Her face was sickly pale and she had crossed her arms in front of her defensively.

"Agent Mulder, may I ask what you're doing in the ladies' restroom?"

Mulder waited some time to give Scully a chance to answer for him. But she only stood there, eyes trained to the floor.

"She...she didn't feel very well this morning. Wanted to make sure she was okay."

Arlene eyed Scully and she immediately muttered:

"I'm sorry for shouting. We had a small disagreement."

Arlene nodded slowly, clearly sensing that this wasn't all. Still, she was about to leave, when something else caught her attention.

"Agent Scully, there's blood on your pantsuit!"

Scully stiffened at that. Searching for words, Mulder threw in a lie for her:

"She fell down some stairs on the way down. We were going to check it out in the doctor's office now anyway."

Their eyes met at that briefly. She was throwing daggers at him. Absolutely not was she going to get the cuts looked at by her colleagues.

She wasn't surprised when Arlene didn't seem to buy what Mulder had said.

"Agent Mulder, could you please head back to your office for me? No, not you, Dana", she held her back and watched Mulder hesitantly leave.

Even though she had given her some sense of security, she know found it easier to lie to Arlene. She always hated lying to Mulder.

When Arlene was sure that he had left, she turned to her and eyed her apprehensively.

"Did he hit you?"

At the absurd thought of that, she almost laughed.

Until she remembered that _No, but I did_.

But she couldn't blame Arlene for jumping to that conclusion. The raised voices, her dishevelled appearance, the blood on her pantsuit...

"No, no of course not. He's my best friend."

 _Your best friend who pinned you against the wall and forced you to show him your bloody thighs_.

At the thought of that, a new idea came up: _You could report him_.

But she didn't even have to think that thought through before coming to the conclusion that she would never do that to him.

 _You slapped him. You're just as guilty_.

"I'm fine, Arlene", she said and added hesitantly, "I think I'll take off the rest of the day though. I don’t want to push it."

At that, Arlene finally broke her concerned gaze and said:

"Yeah, that's a good idea. You don't look all that well. Get some rest, I'll tell the Assistant Director."

Scully was relieved when she finally left the restroom. Knowing that she would now go back into the safety of her apartment, she felt quite at ease for the first time that day.

Only when she entered their basement office again did the argument they had resurface again. She quickly grabbed her coat without looking at Mulder, who was getting up from his desk and slowly walking towards her.

"I'm leaving for the rest of the day", she said curtly.

She pushed herself past him and collected the things off her desk. The gentle touch of his hand on her shoulder startled her for a moment, surprised by the urge to lean into his touch

"Let me come with you."

She bit her lip and paused before she turned around.

_How can he even stand being around me? After all I've said to him?_

"I just wanna keep you company, that's all", he said sincerely as he saw the uncertainty in her eyes.

Scully nearly gasped when she saw the faint redness on one of his cheeks - a painful reminder of what she'd done to him.

 _He deserves better_ , she thought bitterly.

At the same time, she also felt bad for him.

 _You owe him something_.

She surprised both him and herself when she simply said: "Fine."

Before she could feel the regret over what she'd just agreed to overcome her, she took a deep breath.

_He's just coming over. Maybe you can even convince him that the cuts aren't a big deal and that you don't need to see someone._

When she saw him packing up his stuff, she turned back and asked:

"But what about work? Didn't you say you'll have to write and hand in an important report today?"

A faint smile appeared on his lips when he joined her out the door.

"Scully, you're more important to me than some stupid report."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading until this point :)  
> I appreciate every comment you guys leave down below - as always I'm up for criticism/your thoughts on the story so far!  
> Have a great day/night <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mulder comes to terms with Scully's self-destructive behaviour and tries to make her talk to him.

_Scully self-harms._

He kept repeating those words in his head, the reality still not sinking in fully.

Mulder had his gaze fixed on the road in front of him while anxiously gripping the steering wheel. They had agreed to drive in their separate cars and meet at her place. Those twenty minutes proved to be agonizingly long - he felt anxious about leaving her alone after their confrontation in the restroom at work.

_How long has she been doing this? Should I have noticed the signs?_

He knew Scully was someone who liked to hide her feelings away like that but he desperately hoped that this had truly been the only time she had hurt herself.

A "drunken accident" she had called it. Blaming it on the meds. Yes, he was no doctor himself but he knew that was bullshit.

What bothered him most though was that she didn't seem to realize the damage she was doing to herself. Even if it was the first time she'd done it, it could quickly become an addiction. Always chasing the initial high of the first cut and gradually hurting themselves more severely.

Seeing it as the only coping mechanism to deal with problems.

Often the last way out.

He shuddered at that. Mulder knew that self-harm and being suicidal didn't always go hand in hand, but it still was a scary thought. The fear of losing her - he had been in this situation too many times.

_Hell, you're a psychologist_ , he thought. _You should know how to handle this situation_.

But he didn't feel like he deserved that psychology degree. All the things he had learned about self-harm were blurry in his mind and he felt useless. Maybe it was the fear of making a mistake.

Or the terrifying fact that it was Scully. The only one he trusted. His best friend. The woman he loved.

Usually, he would distance himself from patients to achieve the best results. But with Scully, he couldn't do that: he felt like he was responsible for her problems. And he couldn't ever detach himself from her.

Inside his mind whirled with advice he would give family members and partners of patients who self-harm.

Don't be openly disgusted or terrified of cuts - _well, I already fucked up that one._

He painfully thought back at him gasping in shock upon seeing them and looking at her utterly terrified. Now, he understood why she had slapped him. He could only imagine the shame and embarrassment she must have felt then.

But what he regretted most was that he had even forced her to show him her cuts in the first place. This was the first mistake many made when dealing with loved ones who self-harm, as it breaks their trust in them. He felt shitty for thinking that he needed to verify if it really was what he had feared from the start.

_You should have made her feel comfortable to talk with you about it. Don't jump into the subject. She sure as hell doesn't trust you anymore for handling the situation so badly._

Mulder cursed himself for his stupidity and grasped the steering wheel even tighter.

Blinking away the tears that had formed in his eyes.

***

By the tense and defensive way she was acting, he could tell that she was already trying to stir up a fight.

"The elevator is out of order. We'll have to walk up."

She said it as if he was the reason it wasn't working. He quickly caught up to her as she was walking towards the stairs.

"Here, let me take that", he suggested towards the heavily packed suitcase she was carrying, a stack of files and her coat in the other. She shot him a hot glare.

"I think I'm capable of carrying a basic suitcase. Thanks, Mulder."

Scully quickly turned and continued up the flight of stairs. He should have known better than to make a remark about her not being strong enough to do something.

But then he was also extremely worried about her by the way she was staggering up the stairs. He didn't want her to faint. He could tell she was trying to suppress the heavy breathing.

As they reached the fourth floor, she nearly collapsed into the wall. Mulder was there to catch her when he saw her knees buckling, but she immediately pushed him away, if only weakly.

"I'm fine. Don't touch me", she growled between quick gasps.

Mulder felt his heart break at that.

As they finally entered her apartment, she dropped her things on a chair and leaned against the kitchen counter, her eyes closed for a brief moment.

"You need to eat something", he reminded her in a soft tone.

She gave him a passive-aggressive _no shit_ look.

"Any chance you brought that breakfast you bought before?"

_Damn it. The croissants_.

He was looking for words, but Scully interrupted him:

"It's fine."

Then, in a more disappointed voice:

"It's not like I expected anything else from you."

If she had not averted her gaze then she would have seen his crushed expression.

Mulder only stood there, feeling utterly useless, as she looked through her fridge for something to eat. Having found nothing else, she was spreading some cream cheese on half a bagel which looked like it was at least a day old. The way her hands shook and the distant expression on her face didn't escape his notice.

"That's ridiculous. I'm ordering pizza."

He was already walking towards the phone, when he stopped.

"I'm not hungry", she responded coldly.

Mulder raised his eyebrows in her direction. Was she doing this just to get on his nerves? All the snippy remarks and passive-aggressiveness?

_Yes, she is_ , he thought. _She wants you gone. That's her way of pushing away people._

_Don't let her succeed._

"Fine. I'll still order one. Maybe you'll change your mind later, once you've finished that nutritious meal of yours."

She eyed him, a faint smile skittering across her face before it turned sour once more.

_She's putting up her facade again._

Leaving half of the bagel on her plate, she left the kitchen to get the stack of files she had brought from the office. Mulder already dreaded what she was going to say. With a sigh, she was sorting them on the kitchen counter:

"We've waisted so much time already, we have to get back to work. These are the files that,-"

He quickly grabbed her wrist to get her attention. She looked up angrily and pulled out of his loose grasp.

"Hey, we need to talk. Scully, we both know that."

She kept her head high and hissed:

"There's nothing to talk about. I already told you it was a drunken accident. A slip-up. I can handle it."

Mulder's expression turned serious:

"That's bullshit. You may be able to handle it right now but it will catch up with you. And don't say you're fine because I know you're not."

She snorted and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Yes, I'm not. In fact, I'm pissed about the way you've been acting all day."

Mulder raised an eyebrow at that. Not surprised though at how quickly she had turned this against him. He involuntarily flinched when she slammed the palm of her hand on the table to emphasize her frustration with him:

"Damn it, Mulder! Quit hovering and let me be. Just...stop acting like everything is your business!"

"Then make it my business!", he yelled back.

Realizing his mistake as she stepped away from him, he added in a softer tone:

"Please let me in, Scully. Let's talk."

She threw him a hot glare and laughed at him dryly.

"Yeah, I've heard that one before. Talk? That's what you call creeping up on your partner in the restroom, invading their personal space and...and forcing them to pull their pants down in front of them..."

"Scully, I-;"

She slammed the cupboard, angry that he had interrupted her:

"Jumping them and pinning them against the wall because you just want to -talk-, because you -care-. If you really cared then you-, you-;"

He could tell that a hint of realization was spreading on her face.

_But she won't let her guard down yet._

_You know her that well._

"You had no right", she accused him, desperation and frustration in her voice.

He knew that she was right about that. How he acted in the restroom had been extremely unprofessional and humiliating to her.

He looked at her sincerely, trying to convey how bad he felt:

"I'm really sorry for making you feel uncomfortable back then. I shouldn't have acted that way. I'd never want to hurt you."

She bit her lip and he swore that he could see tears forming in her eyes. Blinking them quickly away though, she focused her attention on something completely different.

She walked over to the sofa and picked up his coat:

"Geez, Mulder. Did your parents never tell you to hang your coat on the hanger?"

Mulder furrowed his brows in confusion at how quickly she had changed the subject once more.

_Picking a new fight, avoiding the real issue_ , he thought to himself sadly.

"God, you always act like you -live- here. You drop all your stuff everywhere. You put your dirty shoes up on the couch and don't care to simply put the toilet seat down once you've used it. It's frustrating how self-centred and ignorant you are."

Mulder just stood there patiently, deliberately not arguing with her to keep the fight going. He knew that half of what she was saying wasn't even true but rather that she was trying to find even more excuses to make him angry and leave.

_Just hang on_ , he told himself.

_She won't be able to keep the facade up for long._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there, I promise...some emotional chapters ahead ;)
> 
> Anyway - thanks for reading until this far and have a good day/night! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kinda short but stay tuned for the next part tomorrow! :)

He had offered her a slice of pizza, but she hadn't taken it. She was sitting on the couch, seemingly busy going through random files.

Seeing her obsessively working without letting herself eat, took away his hunger too and he barely managed to finish half a slice. He put the rest of it in her fridge, hoping she'd later be smart enough to listen to her body and eat.

Having nothing to do, he reminded himself why they had gone to her apartment in the first place. He approached her carefully, keeping a distance.

"Scully, don't you think we should finally take care of your...your cuts? I really wouldn't want them to get infected."

She looked up at him, slightly alarmed, and gripped the waistband of her pantsuit.

"There's no -we- in this, Mulder. You could get me some bandages though."

"Where-;"

"Bathroom. In the top left-hand cupboard. There should be some antiseptic and wound cream. Get me enough gauze and some tape too, please."

Mulder was somewhat disappointed that she wouldn't let him help with dressing the wounds but then he hadn't expected that in the first place. He already was happy that she hadn't made snippy or aggressive remarks lately.

When he got to the bathroom, he immediately froze, cursing his trained crime scene eyes for immediately seeing the small but distinct marks of dried blood on the floor tiles.

_That's where she must have sat. On the floor, cutting into her thighs._

_Probably crying._

_Alone._

He let out a tense breath and opened the cupboard to retrieve the things she had asked for. He couldn't help but notice the small box of razor blades sitting innocently directly next to the antiseptic.

His stomach clenched at the thought of how bad she must have been hurting last night to resort to this. He contemplated hiding the box with the blades but then reminded himself of something:

_Don't take away their tools_ , he had been taught in class. It would be useless. If she wanted to hurt herself again, she would find a way. Taking away the blades would only lead her to be more secretive and less trusting towards him.

Half-heartedly, he closed the cupboard and went back into the living room. She was still sitting slumped on the couch. _Probably exhausted_ , he noticed.

"Should I-;"

"No, Mulder. Please don't. Go into the kitchen till I'm finished here, will you?"

He clenched his jaw and nodded quietly.

It took a lot longer than he had expected, but then he was also happy that she had taken her time dressing the wounds. He had used that time to take out the trash and was pleased to see that she had taken a slice of pizza with her to the couch when he returned. She had traded the pantsuit and her work-blouse for a pair of sweat-pants and a plain white t-shirt.

_Put those files away_ , he wanted to say. _Look at me. Let's talk_.

But he knew that she would open up to him eventually. She always did.

***

As the day was coming to an end, so did Scully feel her own strength diminish.

She had kept her guard up for what seemed like a painfully long day, but she was exhausted and felt new fears creeping in.

She had managed to ward him off until now - but to what end? Clearly, she couldn't continue like this.

_You must. You've managed like this in the past and you'll have to keep this to yourself like you always do._

As much as she wanted those words to be true, she could feel herself slowly falling apart. She barely had the strength to continue arguing with herself on all of this.

Yet the atmosphere was already tense enough. She could sense that Mulder was holding back from her. Not expressing everything that was on his mind. Still, Scully knew that she wouldn't let him voice those things.

_Before he does, you'll have to make him leave._

She eyed him from across the room and thought of how long they'd been sitting in silence. If nothing, that had only given her more time to think. More time to decide that she truly needed to do something before things turned ugly by her oversharing or breaking down in front of him.

"It's getting late", she said.

He looked up from the kitchen counter, where he had been quietly sorting some files for her. For a second she was utterly mesmerized by the way he looked at her. The look she had fallen in love with ever since she'd first set foot in their basement office.

_What I'd give to have those arms around me_ , she let her mind wander but was immediately interrupted by that other voice in her head.

_Don't be selfish. He deserves someone better than you._

"I think it's time for you to leave. You've surely got better things to do."

He immediately looked up from what he was doing and watched her get up from the couch. She was standing at the door, waiting for him to pack his things and leave.

"Are you sure, Scully?"

He approached her from the kitchen and searched her eyes. Scully crossed her arms in front of her chest defensively, ready to repeat herself if the first time hadn't been clear.

"Don't worry about me. I'll gladly sleep on the couch and stay the night if that's what you want. Look, Scully. I just want you to feel safe."

_God, no. You can't let him stay here._

Scully visibly flinched at that and retreated further into the room. She could not, under any circumstance, drag him any more into all of this.

_He's seen enough_.

"Why should I feel safe around you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading and have good day/night! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully keeps refusing his help and Mulder has a confession for her.

_"Why should I feel safe around you?"_

The words had escaped her mouth before she could stop herself.

Immediately biting her tongue, she felt regret washing over her. Mulder froze and she could see deep hurt flash across his face.

 _Great, now that he's angry at you, he'll leave_.

She so badly wanted to scream at that voice to leave her alone.

"Mulder, I-I..."

"You actually feel that way about me?", he said, barely a whisper.

She could feel him tense up in front of her.

"Do you have any idea how much I care for you?"

She froze at that. His voice was rising and she couldn't bear to look him in the eyes.

"No. Of course you don't. It's always -not my business-. You know, I've respected that. But how can I stand by while you're clearly hurting?"

She was trembling at that, but the tears didn't fall. She wouldn't let herself.

Mulder rubbed the back of his neck in an attempt to calm himself from his short outburst. In a smaller voice, he admitted:

"You know what the worst thing is?"

He stared off to the ground, talking to himself rather than to her.

"I blame myself. All the things that you had to go through because of me...I-I just can't express how much guilt I feel whenever I see you like this. It's like when you were abducted, only that you're wasting away right...right in front of me."

He paused and looked up at her.

"I never told you this, but when you were gone...I-I cried myself to sleep every night. I was falling apart too. I don't ever want to go through that again."

She wasn't looking at him, scared of the hurt she would find in his face.

"You know, all that time waiting in the hospital recently, has got me thinking. I realized - no, I've known for a long time that...God, how do I say it? I never thought I'd tell you like this, but...I-I think I might have even fallen in love with you, Scully."

He said the last part with a sad laugh, which made her heart clench up.

The world was spinning in front of her. Had he really just said that?

_God, no. You're tricking him again._ _Making him feel obligated to admit feelings for you that aren't even there._

Scully tensed and the initial surprise of hearing his words died out.

 _Don't be stupid. How could someone actually care for you? You're pathetic_.

"You should leave", she forced the words out, eyes locked on the floor between them.

Mulder let out a long breath which made her eyes burn.

"I see. If that's how we're going to do this", he said bitterly and left her standing there by the door.

Only when she'd gathered her thoughts did she realize that he was not actually leaving.

"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?", she called for him hoarsely.

He was back in the kitchen and dialling someone on her phone. His silence made her suspicious and she was there beside him in the blink of an eye.

Mulder ignored her feeble attempts to grab the phone herself.

“I’m calling your mother. If you won’t accept my help, then at least I’ll have to make sure someone else can give you that.”

Her stomach twisted in an instant.

She could not – under any circumstance – let him go through with this. Phoning her mother would mean more talking behind-the-back from her family.

 _Everyone would know. Bill would know_.

Her heart was pounding and she felt like her chest might burst at any moment.

“No…you can’t do that! Mul-, Mulder, give…it…to me!”

Her voice was becoming more desperate, as she tried to push him away from the phone connected to the wall. But he kept his stance and only tightened his vice gripe on the phone as she started yanking at the cord.

"You can't - you can't talk to them...please, Mulder!", she cried out between sobs, finally catching his attention.

"Th-They can't know...Bill, they-"

Her eyes were frantically darting all over the place and she was clinging on to him like a lifeboat. Only when she was starting to hyperventilate, did he hang up the phone and fully confront her.

 _Shit, she's having a panic attack_.

Having had to guide his own mother after Samantha’s disappearance through some serious panic attacks, he was well aware of the starting signs.

"Hey - look at me", he placed his arms on her shoulders and rubbed them soothingly.

She was trembling like crazy and her breath was coming out in ragged bursts, almost to the point of wheezing.

"Deep breaths, Scully. Here, with me-"

He placed her cold-to-touch palm on his chest.

"Just focus on that now, ok? Deep breaths. Good."

This continued for what seemed like an agonizingly long time, until Mulder was sure that her breathing had stabilized again.

Scully slumped her shoulders in defeat and rubbed her temples, where cold sweat had gathered. Mulder was still keeping a close eye on her, taking in any signs of distress. She finally spoke up, if only in a whisper:

"It-, it's ok...yeah I'm f-fine again."

"Have these often?"

She shook her head.

"No...not in some time...no."

He noticed her taking a quick look back at the phone.

"I'm not going to call anyone just for now, ok? You know - why don't you go sit down for a minute."

He gently guided her to the sofa, a blank expression still written on her face.

"Here, let me get you some water."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far, I'll try to update the last two chapters soon ^^  
> As always - have a good day/night!<3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully is finally letting her guard down around Mulder.

He returned to her sitting there, deathly pale and her fingers digging into the cushions.

When she finally looked up, he could see tears glistening in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry", she whispered under her breath, "I'm sorry for saying...and doing those...those things to you earlier. Y-You just meant well and I-"

She was searching for words and he sat down beside her on the couch, giving her an understanding smile.

"You were trying to shake me off, weren't you?"

She hung her head at that.

"You should know by now though, that that's not that easy, Scully", he laughed.

His heart clenched as her laugh sounded forced and quickly turned into sniffing. He could feel that she was trying her best to keep the tears from flowing.

After a long pause, he tried:

"So what do you think triggered that panic attack earlier?"

Scully tensed visibly and he saw her digging her nails into the cushions again.

"Hey-, hey it's fine", he immediately added reassuringly, "we don't have to dive in. I'm just hoping to get a rough idea where this all could be coming from."

She nodded slowly. Her voice came out higher and thinner than normal:

"It's just that my family...with the cancer and everything that's been going on...Melissa's death."

She took a shuddering breath and continued:

"I'd be having these thoughts lately and they're...they're just a lot. Usually, I'd shrug them off, don't let myself be fazed by comments from others. But...I just...I just can't find it in myself anymore, you know? It's all too much."

His heart sank at her revelation, but he was relieved that her walls were finally crumbling.

"Hey, come here, Scully."

She looked up and he pulled her into a long hug. He could feel her breath hitching and he hoped that she was finally letting herself cry.

"Shh, it's okay. Let it all out", he whispered into her hair while her body was shaking with sobs.

They stayed like that for a long time, slowly rocking back and forth in their embrace, until she fully relaxed into his arms.

Eventually, Scully pulled away and wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her sweater.

"Oh God, I look like shit, don't I?", she let out the breath she was holding and couldn't help but chuckle while she tried to comb out her dishevelled hair.

Mulder gently caught her wrist and moved it away from her face, catching her eyes at the gesture. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, his warm palm lingering on the side of her face.

Looking into her eyes, smudged streaks of mascara on her wet cheeks, he said:

"You're beautiful."

The faint smile from her made his heart swell. Scully glanced away and studied the insides of her palms:

"So what you said earlier about...about how you feel about me. Is it...is it true? I mean, I-I fully understand if you just said that to make me feel better...if I made you feel obligated to-"

"Scully, I meant it."

He took in her uncertain eyes and quickly added:

"Of course - it was stupid of me to talk about "love" this early on...but I just wanted you to know that I care for you deeply and that...that I don't want to lose you."

Now it was his voice that cracked at the last part.

"I do too", she whispered and gently took his hand.

Taking the hint, he moved nearer while holding her gaze.

At his movement, he saw something change in her expression and her body tense. She blushed and let out a shaky breath.

"Mulder, I'm...I'm not sure if I can do this yet. Not right now. I'm just not ready for...you know. Anything besides a hug?"

He saw her try to smile, in an apologetic kind of way to make him feel less guilty. He could only imagine what must be going through her head right now, probably blaming herself for hurting his feelings in any way.

"Shit, of course. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. I would never take advantage of you after...after all this. You know I'd never pressure you."

"Thank you", she said in earnest, most likely having expected a different response from him.

"But can you just...hold me?", she whispered.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, guys! :)  
> This was my first attempt at fanfic and I'm so happy by all the comments left on the previous chapters - thank you all for reading <3

He felt his heart flutter at that and he eagerly made place for her in his arms and leaned back into the cushions.

Scully crawled over and leaned against his chest, her legs pulled up at his side. He held her there, hugging her with one arm, and her head slowly relaxed into his shoulder.

After what seemed like an eternity, she finally spoke up.

"I don't know what made me...freak out yesterday. I-, I was holding it all so well together, you know?"

He reassuringly rubbed her shoulder with his hand, signalling her to carry on.

"Last night I was just thinking about...about the time I was in hospital. I think it just gave me the last straw. You remember when Bill came to visit?"

 _Oh yes_ , he thought.

He remembered Bill. But perhaps not that pleasantly.

"Well he said really...horrible things to me. Blaming me for everything that has happened. Saying that I was the sole reason for our family's pain, for losing Melissa...and of course my career choice. I had cancer goddammit - it could have very well been the last time he saw his own sister - but he chose to destroy the only faith I had in myself anymore."

 _That sonofabitch_ , he thought to himself, suddenly very intrigued by the idea of driving over to Bill Scully's place, only to hit him with a chair.

As if she had read her mind, she laughed between soft sniffs somewhere against his chest:

"Oh, don't you dare. I hate to break it to you, but violence is rarely the right answer, Mulder. And believe me, I know."

She filled the following silence with a long and sad sigh.

"To be honest, I've actually come to believe the things he said to be true lately. Probably because I just don't have it in me anymore to believe otherwise. You know, I didn't even argue with him when he said all of these things. I just took it all in."

She sniffed against his chest, her voice breaking.

"Let's face it, Mulder. I'm not myself anymore, I'm weak. Pathetic. You can't deny it. I-, I feel like I'm tricking people, especially you, into thinking otherwise."

"Oh, Scully..."

He didn't realise his own tears forming as he held her tighter against his chest, his heart breaking at hearing those words come from the most important woman in his life.

"Please don't let those voices win, telling you that you're less than yourself. You're the most capable, intelligent and beautiful woman I know. You are strong, nothing can change that fact. And you mean the world to me."

She was trembling in his arms, both of them on the verge of tears.

"Whatever those horrible voices may tell you, please...I just want you to know that you deserve to be loved. You are loved."

Mulder held her as she cried and quietly reassured her that everything was going to be fine.

-They- were going to be fine.

If anything, he wanted her to know that she didn't have to face this challenge alone.

"So where do we go from here?", she asked him after a while.

She was leaning against the cushions, her breath still hitching from the crying before.

"You know...admitting that there's a problem that needs to be fixed is the first step in changing for the better."

She glanced over to him and he squeezed her hand reassuringly.

"Honestly, I don't think this is a onetime thing, Scully. Or a slip-up as you call it. I can see you've been bottling these things up for some time now. Something like that is bound to happen if you just bury these feelings within you. As someone who cares for you, my advice would be to see someone about it. I'm so proud of you for sharing these things with me but I have limits too. And I just want you to get the best help you need."

He could feel her letting those words sink in. After a long pause, she took in a shuddering breath.

"You're right. It just...it just feels so daunting."

She met his gaze with a fearful look in her eyes.

He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"We'll get there eventually, Scully. Together. Trust me."

A faint smile made its way across her teary-eyed face.

"Always."


End file.
